We know you don't have the patience to wait for this entire thing to scroll so you may as well just shop, Schmuck.
We know you don't have the patience to wait for this entire thing to scroll so you may as well just shop, Schmuck.
Shirts. So many shirts! Oh my! FREE shipping!
Schmuck Rogers™: The Galaxy’s Most Accidentally Authorized Pilot.
Buckle up, meatbag. The Schmuck Rogers Tee is your official uniform for navigating the algorithmically generated chaos of the modern galaxy—where incompetence is leadership, failure is monetized, and space exploration is brought to you by snack ads and crypto scams.
Product Features
- The Gildan 5000 is made with medium fabric (5.3 oz/yd² / 180 g/m²) consisting of 100% cotton, offering year-round comfort with lasting durability.
- The classic fit of this shirt ensures a comfy, relaxed wear while the crew neckline adds that neat, timeless look that can blend into any occasion, casual or semi-formal.
- The tear-away label means a scratch-free experience with no irritation or discomfort whatsoever.
- Made using 100% US cotton that is ethically grown and harvested.
- Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production.
- This blank tee is certified by OEKO-TEX® STANDARD 100 (Certificate No. 168252, OETI - Institut fuer Oekologie).
EU representative: HONSON VENTURES LIMITED, gpsr@honsonventures.com, 3, Gnaftis House flat 102, Limassol, Mesa Geitonia, 4003, CY
Product information: Gildan 5000, 2 year warranty in EU and Northern Ireland as per Directive 1999/44/EC
Warnings, Hazard: For adults, Made in Nicaragua
Care instructions: Machine wash: cold (max 30C or 90F), Non-chlorine: bleach as needed, Tumble dry: low heat, Do not iron, Do not dryclean
💀 Billionaires Make the Best Fertilizer T-Shirt
Ah, yes—the perfect shirt for when your misanthropy meets your love of sustainable agriculture. Because what better way to say “eat the rich” than by implying they’d make a decent compost pile? This isn’t just a T-shirt—it’s a conversation starter, a statement piece, and a subtle reminder that wealth doesn’t decompose character.
Slip this on when you’re heading to a protest, a picnic, or just to the grocery store to glare at anyone buying “organic” avocados with a platinum Amex. Soft, breathable cotton ensures you’ll stay comfy while you contemplate the downfall of late-stage capitalism—or just while you scroll through news headlines muttering, “figures.”
This tee is for the cynics, the climate-conscious, and anyone who’s ever said, “eat the rich,” and meant it as a meal plan.
Product Features
- 100% ringspun cotton (fiber content varies for different colors)
- Light fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²))
- Semi-fitted
- Tear-away label
- Runs true to size
Care Instructions
Machine wash: cold (max 30C or 90F); Non-chlorine: bleach as needed; Tumble dry: medium; Do not iron; Do not dryclean.
Perhaps the most important tee you'll ever need. You're not in those files. Proclaim it. Let the world know. Just make sure to search the files first...this is not something you should make a mistake about.
Product Features
- 100% ringspun cotton (fiber content varies for different colors)
- Light fabric (4.5 oz/yd² (153 g/m²))
- Semi-fitted
- Tear-away label
- Runs true to size
Care Instructions
Machine wash: cold (max 30C or 90F); Non-chlorine: bleach as needed; Tumble dry: medium; Do not iron; Do not dryclean.
Trick or Treat, Schmuck!
Forget the cutesy pumpkins and basic “boo” tees—this is Halloween with teeth. Our “Trick or Treat, Schmuck” shirt features Bigfoot himself, masked up, candy sack in hand, ready to stomp through suburbia and remind freeloaders what real scary looks like. It’s sarcastic, seasonal, and smug enough to make you the most memorable ghoul in the room.
Product Features
- The Gildan 5000 is made with medium fabric (5.3 oz/yd² / 180 g/m²) consisting of 100% cotton, offering year-round comfort with lasting durability.
- The classic fit of this shirt ensures a comfy, relaxed wear while the crew neckline adds that neat, timeless look that can blend into any occasion, casual or semi-formal.
- The tear-away label means a scratch-free experience with no irritation or discomfort whatsoever.
- Made using 100% US cotton that is ethically grown and harvested.
- Gildan is also a proud member of the US Cotton Trust Protocol ensuring ethical and sustainable means of production.
- This blank tee is certified by OEKO-TEX® STANDARD 100 (Certificate No. 168252, OETI - Institut fuer Oekologie).
Featured Cards. For Schmucks.
Maybe that’s you.
Sometimes schmucks have birthdays, too, or graduate from school, or share important memories. Share love and contempt at the same time!
Product features
- One size: 4.25" x 5.5'' (10.8 x 13.9 cm)
- Vibrant, crisp color printing on heavyweight 271gsm uncoated paper
- Includes matching white envelopes for all five cards
- Front cover overlap for a neat, professional fold (1/16" gap)
- assembled in the USA
Care instructions
- Use a soft, clean and dry cloth to gently brush any dust or dirt off from the center of the card outwards.
For when it's time to say, "you're welcome," instead of, "thanks." For when you need to let someone know how you really feel, but not in a good way. These are cards for when the only truth in life is that other people ruin everything. The pack includes matching white envelopes, making these cards ready to send straight away or stash them for a meaningful note when it's truly earned. Assembled in the USA from globally sourced parts.
Product features
- One size: 4.25" x 5.5'' (10.8 x 13.9 cm)
- Bright, vivid color reproduction using modern digital printing
- Heavyweight 271gsm uncoated white paper for a premium, tactile feel
- Includes matching white envelopes; front cover overlaps back by 1/16"
- Assembled in the USA from globally sourced parts
Care instructions
- Use a soft, clean and dry cloth to gently brush any dust or dirt off from the center of the card outwards.
This 5-card greeting card pack is purrfect for the cat-loving schmucks in your life. Each design is considered from the purrspective of your cat and the types of things they're likely to want to tell you. Every card comes with a matching white envelope, so they're ready for Mr. Mittens to drop right in the mail.
Product features
- One size: 4.25" x 5.5'' (10.8 x 13.9 cm)
- Vibrant, crisp color printing on heavyweight 271gsm uncoated paper
- Includes matching white envelopes for all five cards
- Front cover overlap for a neat, professional fold (1/16" gap)
- Each of the 5 cards can feature a unique, customizable design; assembled in the USA
Care instructions
- Use a soft, clean and dry cloth to gently brush any dust or dirt off from the center of the card outwards.
Built for the sake of our sanity and sharing bad ideas with you
As schmucks ourselves, we strive for something greater than what other companies offer you. Notably, honesty.
We really just want to earn enough to pay for our expenses and then give back to the community before Uncle Sam starts looking at us with a critical eye. Our goal is to support local causes we care about after we put food on our tables.